– by Drew Carlton

Welcome to The Top 5, where every week, we list five things for a given topic. These topics can range from “5 Things We Liked About The Power Rangers Teaser Trailer” to “5 Things We Want (Or Don’t Want) In Ben Affleck’s The Batman.”

Of course, because everyone has an opinion, there is sure to be some disagreements, which is why, despite the title “The Top 5,” very rarely are these actual “best of” articles. Instead, they’re meant to provide entertaining insight, and to stir a discussion, and give everyone a chance to speak their mind. 

If you have a suggestion for a Top 5 piece, send them my way via #TheTop5LRM on Twitter. If I choose your topic, I’ll be sure to give you a shoutout!

Now, on with today’s topic!


If you have ever read anything I have written, you will notice I always try to slip in references to some of my favorite movies and shows, like Westworld and Guardians Of The Galaxy. I decided to watch GOTG again today, and I was enthralled by how introspective and articulate Groot can really be.

And if you think I’m joking, I kind of am, but am also kind of not! Reportedly, there is a secret script that the director James Gunn and Vin Diesel (the voice of Groot) have to translate Groot’s true meaning (although I have no idea why that would matter, as Groot is perfectly understandable to me). Diesel deserves the big bucks he earned from playing this highly enigmatic character, and I intend to prove that as we go over his 5 best lines, in true Jammer Top 5 fashion, to give to you:

Groot’s TOP 5 Lines, From Guardians Of The Galaxy!


5. I am Groot.

The Kyln. Seen at 22:37 in GOTG.

Fresh from a hedging by Gamora, a gender seminar from Rocket, and a nice drink of fountain water, Groot and his cohorts get captured by the Nova Corps, and are sent to an interstellar jail. This was the first time we witnessed this intellectual and cryptic being linguistically active when the “giving tree” himself discusses the Guardian’s current situation. For some odd reason, perhaps stupidity, Star-Lord can’t understand Groot well, and Rocket has to explain that, “Well he don’t know talking good like me and you, so his vocabulistics is limited to I, and Am, AND Groot, exclusively in that order.” Clearly Rocket does not understand the difference between “is” and “are”, so who is he to talk?!


4. I am Groot.

The Kyln. Seen at 31:57 in GOTG.

Asleep for the danger, awake for the money, as per freaking usual.” And why not? I am sure that in leading this bunch of scoundrels and miscreants, that Groot needs a full night’s sleep. He is always watching though, as Rocket and Star-Lord try to slip one over on him. Groot, with certainty, lets them know that they are his sheep and he is the shepherd, and if money is involved he will be there to collect his share. Hell, they are lucky Groot even offered to split the bounty evenly, as he could have easily done the mission by himself.


3. I am Groot.

Knowhere. Seen at 56:15 in GOTG.

Here, the moronic Collector attempts to gather Groot’s carcass upon his death, presumably to make a porch swing or perhaps a bassinet. The Collector offers credits and Groot readily agrees, knowing that he is immortal, thus completely ripping The Collector off. HAH, jokes on him.


2. I am Groot.

Knowhere. Seen at 1:10:30 in GOTG.

At this point, the heroics of Groot are starting to become a recurring theme. Not only does he save Drax’s life here, but he commands rocket to stay and help all of his foot-soldiers, because that is what a good General does. He knows that Star-Lord and Gamora need his help, so he orders Rocket to stay and help save the two, causing the racoon to kick up grass. What a good dude Groot is.


1. We are Groot.

Onboard The Dark Aster over Xandar. Seen at 1:39:26 in GOTG.

You knew it was coming. Thats right. Groot saves the entire team from certain obliteration, after he sacrifices himself to save the team from dying a fiery death inside a gigantic spacesip as it crashes into a planet. Or did he? Remember, Groot is immortal, so Rocket replants him to continue his journey as Baby-Groot.  This of course was ridiculous, as the crash simply created about 10,000 new Groots to grow, and I am sure we will see the Groot Army soon enough.

Well, I hope I did the great Groot justice.  Can anyone else think of a line I missed? Is Groot more powerful than The Beyonder? Will the Guardians be lucky enough to serve him again in his adult form? Let me hear from you!

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