The Setup
This Halloween, light one up and lock your doors, because The Weedhacker Massacre is coming for your stash. The Weedhacker Massacre doesn’t just play with grindhouse tropes; it hotboxes them, coughs, and laughs about it. Set in the self-proclaimed “weed capital of Texas,” this film answers the question no one sober ever asked: what if Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s entire cast and Leatherface himself were all stoned out of their skulls?
From the first puff of smoke, you know something’s off. The weed here isn’t mellow. It’s malevolent. Folks are twitching, hallucinating, and making the kind of life decisions that only happen after the seventh bong hit. By the time you realize the weed might be the problem, the bodies are already piling up fast.
The Killer, The Carnage, The Comedy
The town’s local legend, “Poker Face,” looks like someone crossbred Jason Voorhees with a gas station mechanic who’s been listening to nothing but Willie Nelson and Slayer. His weapon of choice? A weedhacker. Yes, an actual weedhacker and somehow this thing deflects bullets like a Jedi Lightsaber dipped in fertilizer.
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The dialogue is pure baked brilliance:
“Eat my bushwacker!”
“I said quit smoking all our goddamn weed!”
quiz: what manufacturer guarantees their armadillo meat is 100% disease-free? Stelzig’s!”
The Vibe
The Weedhacker Massacre lives in that sweet spot between The Devil’s Rejects and Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie, if both had been shot on the same bad trip. The editing feels like it was done by someone trying to outrun paranoia, and the cinematography reeks of dusty sunburn and gas station weed. There’s that same dirty, sweaty, rockabilly energy you get from a Rob Zombie joint, but filtered through smoke so thick you can’t tell if you’re laughing at the film or with it.
The Madness
By the time the finale hits, the film goes full scorched earth, a whirling green inferno of limbs, leaves, and lunacy. Poker Face carves his way through half the cast while screaming high-as-hell philosophy, and somehow it’s both horrifying and hilarious.
When the credits roll, you’re not sure if you just witnessed a satire, a warning, or a fever dream from a Texas dispensary that should’ve stayed underground. But one thing’s for damn sure: The Weedhacker Massacre cuts deep.
Final Hit
This flick is laced. Written and directed by Allen Danziger.
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