5 Comic Book Characters Hollywood Will NEVER Adapt

Wait enough years and Hollywood will remake a classic. By that same token, wait enough years, and every comic book character will have an adaptation. In the current age we’re living in, it certainly feels like it. But I posit that there are some comic book characters out there who simply couldn’t make the jump to the big or small screen alike.

Be it for their general weirdness or over-the-top sexual, violent, or controversial nature, there will always be someone with an ax to grind against these guys.

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Special Agent Greg Feely (The Filth)

The Filth sprung forth from the wild mind of comic book genius Grant Morrison. Think protecting the world from villains that want to snap out existence is hard? How about battling a multiple personality disorder, dealing with a cigarette-smoking murderous Russian chimp, all the while keeping your smut stash hidden? Like I said it’s Morrison at his finest. The Filth delivers a real world torn down porn-addicted, suspected child molesting, double agent. Besides that Special Agent Greg Feely operates on a darker spectrum that involves plots regular heroes wouldn’t be able to stomach. 

Batman would soil his shorts if he had to contend with Feely’s rouges. Feely has fought his own para persona, captured a corrupted agent addicted to what I can best describe as using the effects of time to murder people, and even stopped a drifter porn star with hypnotic black jizz.

Special Agent Greg Feely is one character we will never see adapted, but we can hope. Interestingly enough, this bizarre tale of heroes began as a pitch from Morrison to Marvel for Nick Fury Agent of Shield. But in typical Morrison meta chaos magician fashion, it turned into a tale about stopping the crimes too screwed up to ever reach mass consciousness. It’s like this team is fighting crimes that occur in filthy crevices that require lots of hand sanitizer on the hands. I sanitized my hands or at least wanted to after every page I turned. If our existence had an arse, The Hand is the organization that wipes it.

Unnamed Prostitute (The Pro)

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “a hooker with a heart of gold.” That does not describe the unnamed protagonist of The Pro. This Garth Ennis-created graphic novel is all about sex and heroism. Seriously, and not in a psychoanalytic “let’s explore the shadow side of consciousness” kind of way. Nope, this is what happens when a hooker gains superpowers. 

In a world of heroes, you’d need to do something pretty unimaginably horrible to get kicked off a spoof of the Justice League superhero team. That’s exactly what happens when The Pro performs a sex act on her teammate The Saint who might as well be Superman. Speaking of Superman, ever wonder what would happen should such a powerful being attempt copulation with another? Let’s just say something comes flying away from his body and it takes out a 747 in the sky.

The first issue opens with her first engaged in lewd activity with a john. Next, she’s getting into a haggle over the cost of said favor. What would a super-powered hooker do? Save the world? End childhood Crohn’s disease? Nope. This super-powered heroine realizes that with super speed comes the ability to service a record breaking number of johns. Hell, it’s her knack for the nasty that leads to her pissing on a defeated super villain right dead center of the United Nations in full sight of ambassadors. I doubt we will ever see The Pro adapted to the big screen or silver screen.

Larfleeze (Green Lantern)

The color spectrum of the Lantern Corps is wide. The most known, of course, are the Green Lanterns. Runner up is Sinestro’s yellow lanterns. Out of all the colors, there is one that turns its wearer into an obsessive hoarderLarfleeze possesses the orange ring. He looks like an anthropomorphic mammal of some sort. Just imagine a space-faring Wile E Coyote with access to the orange spectrum of Lantern power.

The ring is also powered by avarice. Larfleeze spends the vast amount of his time figuring out how to own more of what he doesn’t have. Think Lord of The Rings Gollum with cosmic powers at his disposal thanks to the orange lantern. Not only is Larfleeze a terrible villain, he shares a nickname with Eddie Murphy’s character in Trading Places. There’s no room for two Agent Orange’s on the big screen.

Kerrick (The Agency)

The Agency is what happens when Bladerunner and The Matrix have a meth-addicted child with a fondness for murder. The graphic novel takes place in the future. There’s a lot of tech in this future. The crime-ridden city of Cleveland gets security assitance from The Agency. They are like a SEAL team that leaves a bill and a lot of bodies behind. Kerrick is a member of the team. He is best described as Hitler having a bad trip, thinking he’s Edward Scissor-hands and seeing all the shrubbery as Jewish people. This dude makes his own teammates want to wash their eyes when he goes to work.

Did I mention he’s misogynistic and racist? Yup, that’s Kerrick alright. In one panel he refers to a teammate of the opposite sex as Agent Funbags. Later that same issue he refers to a black criminal profiler as Sherlock-Holme-Boy. You’d be apt to say Kerrick has a way with words. His gift is that he can utilize the full spectrum of his DNA. While in the meantime meager humans only use 3% and the rest is supposedly junk.

Ramba (Ramba)

Ramba was a comic book published in 1995 by Eros comics. This comic is so screwed. No pun attended. Imagine if John Carpenter was given carte blanche to go full hard X to make a 90’s action film with a female lead ripped from Lars von Trier’s 2013 film Nymphomaniac. Essentially, what we have here, is a bad-ass femme fatale who likes two things done absolutely right; her sex and her murder.

Think I am exaggerating? Within the first ten pages, Ramba’s already committed for more sins than I can muster up the courage to write about here. Let’s just say I’ll reiterate that she likes sex and murder. Also, I’m pretty sure that either one triggers the other. So she kills and wants sex, and she has sex and then wants to kill. It would be hard-pressed if this adaptation ever got its wheels moving. Did I mention she has a cat named Lucifer and a kink for bestiality? It sure would be a challenge to bring a crotch-less costume to the big screen. Why’s it crotch-less, you ask? So she can pee on bad guys.

So, what do you think? Am I wrong? Can you actually see Hollywood adapting some of these comic book characters? If so, in what capacity? Let us know your thoughts down below!

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