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– by Brian Jasper

Hey fellow fangirls and boys, it’s time to face a stark reality: nobody is good enough to helm a Star Wars movie or run the franchise á la the MCU’s Kevin Feige.

I make this pronouncement on the heels of this week’s shocking revelations of George Lucas’ original plans for Episodes VII through IX. You’ve probably read all about those by now, but I’ll summarize for those who haven’t: Star Wars meets Osmosis Jones. Sorry, George, but this is enough for me to claim outright that it’s a good thing Star Wars has been unceremoniously stripped from you. I hope you enjoy your billions, Mr. Lucas. You are no longer good enough for Star Wars.

Official leaked concept art for George Lucas’s Episode VII – IX treatments.

Kathleen Kennedy? You aren’t good enough for Star Wars. (But, Disney, please don’t stop sending me those checks — I promise I’ll keep shilling for every movie you put out!). Star Wars used to be about Rebels battling an Imperial fascist paradigm. But under Kennedy’s guidance, the good guys have stopped heroically championing down-trodden minorities such as Wookiees and Ewoks and now have actual human minorities leading them! That makes no sense in Star Wars, where the galaxy’s history doesn’t include a slave trade along a Northwest Passage nor prolonged fights for suffrage and equal representation by women. Kathleen, I’m sorry, but if you want to provide representation for minorities and women, please stick to classic Star Wars-style methods of representation by using bikini-clad Twi’leks, chained-up Wookiees and pidgin-speaking Gungans.

J.J. Abrams, you may be trying to swoop in and save Episode IX, but based on Episode VII alone, you aren’t good enough for Star Wars. I mean, you are if you just want to keep repeating the same stories over and over, but thanks to you, Rian Johnson, and natural causes, your classic trilogy references are all gone. Your best Star Wars movie wasn’t even Episode VII, it was Star Trek. Star Wars needs fresh, new stories which simply remind us exactly why we loved Star Wars in the first place. It needs to move the story forward while staying comfortably right where it has always been.

J.J. Abrams on the set of his Episode VII prequel, Star Trek.

Rian Johnson, this is an easy one: you aren’t good enough for Star Wars. The myriad and numerous influences for the original Star Wars movies blended into a beautiful and stylistically-pleasing movie sounds great until we realized you were just doing it to cover up your re-interpretation of Luke, Jedi, the Force and basically everything we ever loved about Star Wars. All we wanted was Mara Jade living somewhere on that Porg paradise. You had one job, and you gave us Canto Bight. Now you want to give us an original Star Wars trilogy. There aren’t enough words on the internet for me to explain why this is a bad idea.

Dave Filoni, don’t think I’m going to let you get off. You aren’t good enough for Star Wars. Sure, Clone Wars is a relatively respectable cartoon and Rebels was a thing people enjoyed, particularly the younger people. But did you see how Darth Maul landed in Solo? Thud. Anyone who never watched an episode of either cartoon left the theater completely mystified and, while I love talking about deep-cut Star Wars references, I hated being the only one in my row squealing with joy at his appearance. By the way, I also hated being the only one in my row at Solo. Dave, you seem to really like that old EU stuff, but Disney’s put you in a no-win situation by jettisoning it from canon. You’re single-handedly trying to glue that broken bottle back together, but the truth is, if you were good enough for Star Wars, you wouldn’t be elbows deep into Disney’s Star Wars castoffs and they would’ve given you the franchise already. Running a star war is for the big boys and you’re the cartoon guy.

This man drinks from the Star Wars expanded universe.

Gareth Edwards, Colin Trevorrow, Phil Lord, Chris Miller, and Josh Trank, you guys aren’t good enough for Star Wars. That’s obvious. Some of you didn’t even get to start working on your Star Wars film and one of you made Fantastic Four. Tony Gilroy and Ron Howard? You guys also aren’t good enough for Star Wars, or they would’ve given you an original one to helm from the very beginning.

Jon Favreau, they gave you a show and made you do the motion capture for that four-armed weirdo in Solo. You aren’t good enough for Star Wars.

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss? You aren’t good enough for Star Wars. Doing a Game of Thrones epic show over several seasons is completely different than doing a single or three Star Wars movies. For one, there are space battles. For two, we don’t like when our favorite characters are killed in ways that seem unseemly (see Johnson, Rian) and that’s basically what Game of Thrones is all about. (Personally, though, if you want to stick an ice dragon in one of your Star Wars movies, I won’t write an article complaining about it. Just saying.)

Acceptable in any Star Wars movie.

Denis Villeneuve, Matt Reeves, George Miller, Christopher Nolan, Alex Garland: you have all created epic and great sci-fi movies in the recent past. But Star Wars isn’t just sci-fi, it’s an epic space opera western samurai series. By creating really great sci-fi movies, you have all inadvertently shown how limited you really are as filmmakers and thus, you are not good enough for Star Wars. Luc Besson, director of Fifth Element, you came close. But then you made Valerian and that movie was really, really boring. You aren’t good enough for Star Wars.

Fellow fans, let’s give up on Star Wars. We’ll stick with loving it long enough for us to get those studio-approved Despecialized Editions we’ve been clamoring for the last two decades and then, collectively, let’s all move on to another franchise, something new and unexpected. Then, after we fall in love with it, we can begin to get anxious that this new series will never again put out another film that makes us feel quite the same way the originals did and we can tell those filmmakers how to make their movies. Bliss.

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