This week on the B movie docket is Hell Comes To Frogtown.
B movies are the glue stuck in between all the other genres, oftentimes refusing to conform to any particular genre presets. Some but not all of the hallmarks of a B movie include scripts that read like they were written by a room full of eighth-graders, poor visual effects, cringe-inducing dialogue, low budget production design, and zany plot contrivances. You’re aware of the hallmarks, right? B-movies often reek of amateur flair. Thought you were about to watch a great white shark hunted in dramatic fashion like only Steven Spielberg can deliver? Nope, this is Sharknado.
Why do we love B movies? I think B movies are comforting. You know what you’re about to watch is bad. If you’re fortunate it may be so bad that it’s good. You’ll often scratch your head trying to work out the plot. Out of the many good films you’ve seen, I bet you can talk with more vigor about the worst ones you’ve seen. They’re unforgettable. There’s something comforting about that I think. Besides they’ve been around just as long as the movie industry.
Believe it or not, chances are there’s a B movie for you. So I compiled a list of 50 B movies you must see before you die. No decade is off-limits. No rating is too taboo. For the next 49 weeks, I will introduce and recommend a B movie for your viewing pleasure. Yes, these are exciting times indeed my fanatical friends.
WEEK 13 – Hell Comes To Frogtown
We’re 13 weeks into our journey covering the B movies you have got to see before you die. Hell Comes to Frogtown is this week’s film. Directed by the late and great don of B movies, Donald G. Jackson. This man was part of a filmmaking collective that coined the phrase “Zen Filmmaking”. What is Zen Filmmaking?
Well, I’ll start by saying I have no idea why “zen” is mentioned at all. “Zen filmmaking” encapsulates a filmmaking style where no scripts are used in the creation of the film. I’d call it “chaos filmmaking.” But… tomato, tomahto. Rest assured, Jackson is a professional. He knows what he’s doing. And how could he not? With a catalog of films that includes titles like The Demon Lover, Return of The Roller Blade Seven, Guns of El Chupacabra, and Rollergator. Rest assured; we are being graced by a God of B movies here. Rest in peace Donald G. Jackson.
Hell Comes To Frogtown. Roddy Piper plays Hell. And Hell is going to Frogtown to impregnate some savage women and kill some mutated talking frogs along the way. Don’t you just love these B movie titles? If I have to slow down to explain just who Rody Piper is, well suffice to say I will not. It is one rabbit hole, I would rather save for another time. But just go watch They Live.
Hell Comes To Frogtown takes place in a futuristic world where women are the dominant species on the planet. Man wasted his potential by firing nuclear missiles that devasted the planet, leaving most men dead or impotent. The lands that were not claimed by scavenger clans or the vestiges of female matriarchal society are inhabited and lorded over by frogmen. See, man’s foolhardy attempt at waving his nuclear wang has now caused the unintended effect of mutating entire populations of frogs. And those frogs have wangs and like to have some interspecies relations much to humanity’s disgust.
So now, the humanoid frog people run many parts of the lands. Grotesquely enough the frogs are first-class A-holes and they turn out to be just as hedonistic as the stupid males who destroyed the planet. You have not watched a B movie until you have seen a giant frog ask a woman to dance some weird hokey pokey striptease.
When a nuclear holocaust renders most of mankind sterile, a drifter is recruited for a very special assignment. That is the film in a nutshell, but the film is much more than that. For one, we have the legendary Roddy Piper here playing a role that requires him to literally track down a bunch of female survivors and slip them some pipe in the hopes of impregnating them. See, ever since that pesky nuclear attack, humanity has been barely clinging on and is on the verge of dying out as human baby births have declined drastically.
So, the reformed female-run government has tracked down the legendary Piper, as he is known for spitting in deaths face while a guitar riffs, slaying frogs, and leaving babies. Basically, the dude is like a government hired Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo with biceps that are probably bigger than my waist. Hell Comes To Frogtown is a bit like the Brian K. Vaughn comic book Y The Last Man had it been written by a horny teenager.
One Helluva Mission
His mission is straight forward: track down and impregnate the women that have gone missing near and around Frogtown. For a task that sounds like a walk in the park for James Bond, things get complicated quickly. See the government women tasked with escorting him to Frogtown have not seen a grade-A specimen of a man like this since well never. So, our main character must fend off their unwanted sexual advances, which is admittedly difficult. Especially since these women are trained in the art of sexual seduction.
Freeing Frogtown is going to be hell. But it sure looks like a mission for Rody Piper. Wait until you see him shotgun blast those fancy boots wearing leaping amphibians back to the lily pad. Hilariously, lily pads are a form of currency in Frogtown, and the Frogs use it to bid on human captive women. To complicate matters even worst there’s some weirdo scientist running around who is obsessed with making more nuclear missiles. God knows why. I mean the last nukes mutated Frogs into some sick anthropomorphic beings. Why roll the dice on that one again? I have no idea, but I hope to find out when I watch the sequels: Return To Frogtown, and Max Hell Frog Warrior.
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