This week on the B movie docket is Return of The Living Dead 3!
B movies are the glue stuck in between all the other genres, oftentimes refusing to conform to any particular genre presets. Some but not all of the hallmarks of a B movie include scripts that read like they were written by a room full of eighth-graders, poor visual effects, cringe-inducing dialogue, low budget production design, and zany plot contrivances. You’re aware of the hallmarks, right? B movies often reek of amateur flair. Thought you were about to watch a great white shark hunted in dramatic fashion like only Steven Spielberg can deliver? Nope, this is Sharknado.
Why do we love B movies? I think B movies are comforting. You know what you’re about to watch is bad. If you’re fortunate it may be so bad that it’s good. You’ll often scratch your head trying to work out the plot. Out of the many good films you’ve seen, I bet you can talk with more vigor about the worst ones you’ve seen. They’re unforgettable. There’s something comforting about that I think. Besides they’ve been around just as long as the movie industry.
Believe it or not, chances are there’s a B movie for you. So I compiled a list of 50 B movies you must see before you die. No decade is off-limits. No rating is too taboo. For the next 49 weeks, I will introduce and recommend a B movie for your viewing pleasure. Yes, these are exciting times indeed my fanatical friends.
WEEK 23 – Return of The Living Dead 3
Number twenty-three on this list is a movie near and dear to my heart. I get all nostalgic about it. Besides, there is always something nostalgic about B movies. That sudden excited rush to an old memory. Do you remember where you were when you first saw one of your favorite B movies? This week’s movie was released back in 1993. A magical decade. Some of the best movies were released in the ’90s, along with some of the worst. Return of The Living Dead 3 was one of the worst. The movie made $54,000.00 during its entire theatrical run. To make matters worse, the movie was released two days before Halloween in 1993.
So why should you watch it? Because it is one of those movies so bad it’s actually really good. You know the ’90s were rife with them. But there is something charming about Return of The Living Dead 3. It sets itself apart from other zombie movies with an inventive twist on the zombie genre. Here’s the synopsis – A teen (J. Trevor Edmond) uses an Army chemical to revive his dead girlfriend (Mindy Clarke) after a motorcycle accident.
The two lead stars of Return of The Living Dead 3 are Curt and his girlfriend Julie. They are full of ’90s teen angst and goth. Curt rebels against his military father who is a culpable bad guy in the movie. To emphasize his gothic rebellious nature Curt wears mostly black. Curt also rides a motorcycle. Curt’s girlfriend Julie also likes to wear black. She too is goth. Together they will push the boundaries on the idea of what a human cenobite rip off relationship looks like.
Return of The Living Dead 3 is a ’90s teen love story masking itself as a horror movie. Imagine Bonnie and Clyde as teenagers and set in the nineties. But instead of banks and cops, you get zombies and evil military-type scientists.
The hero Curt has to deal with a lot being a 90’s teenager. Being the son of a creepy military dad must have several drawbacks. One of them plaguing our hero Curt is the constant relocation. To put it blunt, Curt is fed up with moving around. He likes the town he is in now. He likes the girl he is with now too. They have a lot in common including wearing lots of black.
Curt rebels. He is a typical 90’s bad boy. One night early in the movie, Curt is so badass that he sneaks his girlfriend into his father’s secret super top-secret science base. Inside Curt and Julie witness the impossible and horrible. See, Curt’s father being the creepy military guy that he is has gotten involved in some shady government zombie research. That night Curt and Julie witness a miracle when a dead man reanimates. The scene quickly becomes macabre once the dead man eats the hand off of a scientist. An act that sprays the scientists’ control room in blood.
Curt and Julie decide the hit the road on his motorcycle after that sight. Julie dies in a freak motorcycle accident after Curt gets a boner and crashes the bike. Whoops! Curt will do anything to have his girlfriend back. It occurs to Curt that he watched a dead person come back already. Being the hormonally driven teenager, he is, Curt decides to revive his girlfriend using the same bad stuff his dad has been mucking around with. What a bad idea, right?
Not for Return of The Living Dead 3. Julie’s return heralds the start of a truly twisted and f&*(% up zombie love story. Return of The Living Dead 3 made goth zombie romance cool way before Warm Bodies came along.
Picture this. George Romero’s zombie wasteland and Clive Barker’s hellish aesthetic are planning on having a baby. However, Romero dropkicks Barker in the stomach causing a miscarriage. Strangely the baby survives crawling from this bloody soup on the floor eating brains and thirsting for Hot Topics blackest and most revealing outfits.
That is me contextualizing the great zombie makeup in Return of The Living Dead 3.
Why You Need To See It
Because if enough people see it, then maybe we might get the zombie war movie we all deserve. Curt’s dad is a man of ideas. Brilliant ideas I might add. His latest idea before his army brat son screwed things up reviving his dead goth girlfriend was sheer horror brilliance. See, old dad planned to strap zombies to exoskeletons and use them in the front line of battle. Come on people let’s make Return of The Living Dead 6 Frontline Z happen.
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