Our Long National Nightmare Is Over: Mr. Peanut Dead At 104

Hitler, Mao, Stalin, Peanut. These names are synonymous with suffering. America breathes a sigh of relief today as the ancient being known as Mr. Peanut has been killed. The aristocratic peanut mogul, known for his top hat and monocle that he constantly adorned in mockery of the less fortunate, was killed in a tragic vehicle accident. 

Born to a poor family of peanuts in Colorado, his family became rich overnight when a seemingly worthless peanut mine was left to his mother and father for a debt that was owed by a deadbeat lodger at their famous boarding house, Casa de Peanut. He was sent to be raised by bankers, who controlled a trust that his mother had set up for him with their newfound fortune and never again having seen his family, it is often thought to have been this moment that changed him from a kindly peanut child to the cold billionaire the world knows today. 

Ruthlessly killing his competitors, such as the beloved Fredmond Almond and little known pioneer of the legume industry Fredrick Von Cashew, his exploits earned him both scorn and respect among those in the food industry. 

After a failed attempt at running for governor was derailed due to personal shortcomings revealed in the tabloids, the enigmatic Peanut went into exile at his own personal sanctuary, a mansion built upon the Florida coast

After years of shady business practices and causing countless allergic reactions  he finally met his fate. In a bizarre twist his company, Planters, caught the whole ordeal on video 

They will strangely be airing this documentation of his demise during the big game in several weeks. The reasons remain unknown. It appears that in his final moments he finally shows a shred of peanutmanity, sacrificing himself so others may live on. A change of heart? Propaganda? A viral video to promote planters during the biggest television audience of the year? Who can say? 

The video was released on January 22nd, 2020 and will air during the big game. It went viral on social media such as Twitter, garnering over ten thousand views as of the writing of this story. A strange but effective commercial for the Planters company that will likely garner some social media buzz for them. 

In an age when every business tries to use the big game to make a splash with odd commercials, this one seems particularly strange, killing off a well known but frankly bizarre mascot. Whether or not this is the commercial that people will be talking about after the game remains to be seen but the very fact it got buzz for a peanut company is enough to earn a tip of the hat from me. 

In the meantime RIP Mr. Peanut, where ever your salty soul has gone. 

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SOURCE: Estate of Mr. Peanut

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John Boone

Likes Xbox, Star Wars and old movies your dad probably likes. Opinions can be weird but are 100% real and never to stir stuff up.

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