This week on the B movie docket is Yoga Hosers.
B movies are the glue stuck in between all the other genres, oftentimes refusing to conform to any particular genre presets. Some but not all of the hallmarks of a B movie include scripts that read like they were written by a room full of eighth-graders, poor visual effects, cringe-inducing dialogue, low budget production design, and zany plot contrivances. You’re aware of the hallmarks, right? B-movies often reek of amateur flair. Thought you were about to watch a great white shark hunted in dramatic fashion like only Steven Spielberg can deliver? Nope, this is Sharknado.
Why do we love B movies? I think B movies are comforting. You know what you’re about to watch is bad. If you’re fortunate it may be so bad that it’s good. You’ll often scratch your head trying to work out the plot. Out of the many good films you’ve seen, I bet you can talk with more vigor about the worst ones you’ve seen. They’re unforgettable. There’s something comforting about that I think. Besides they’ve been around just as long as the movie industry.
Believe it or not, chances are there’s a B movie for you. So I compiled a list of 50 B movies you must see before you die. No decade is off-limits. No rating is too taboo. For the next 49 weeks, I will introduce and recommend a B movie for your viewing pleasure. Yes, these are exciting times indeed my fanatical friends.
WEEK 6 – Yoga Hosers
The week’s movie is going to be Yoga Hosers. I know what the initial reviews said about this one. Sure, it’s an abysmal movie. You’ve heard that, right? Well, I agree. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much frustration trying to watch a film. Despite being so frustrated, I continued watching until the end. As the credits rolled, I realized: I had survived watching it. It felt like a weird accomplishment. Now, don’t get me wrong. Yoga Hosers is a bad movie. The dialogue is cringe-worthy. Acting talent feels wasted. For instance, powerhouse actor Johnny Depp is covered in crud like makeup to aid his portrayal of the films sleuth Guy LaPointe.
Yoga Hosers is the second film in filmmaker Kevin Smith’s True North trilogy. The first film was Tusk, which was covered in week 4 here. Yoga Hosers easily tops the ludicrousness of its predecessor. If you thought sitting through a madman explain his master plan to turn his captive into a walrus was gold. Then you must see a villainous Nazi Canadian do voice impression work of Al Pacino and Adam West as he explains his master plan to his captives. At this point, I should probably give you the synopsis.
Here it goes: Two teenage yoga enthusiasts’ team up with a legendary man-hunter to battle with an ancient evil presence that is threatening their major party plans.
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That’s a synopsis that does the zany movie no justice. Yoga Hosers should be described as two Canadian teens, both yoga fanatics and both named Megan battle Nazi clone bratwursts that want to kill all of Canada’s art critics. Yoga Hosers is absurdity at its best. Justin Long is back for another turn in Smith’s True North Trilogy. This time acting as a Zen master doing his best to channel Bikram Choudhury. Don’t get me wrong. Hoga Hosers is a terrible film. But it’s also a solid B movie. You will want to discuss this thing after seeing it. It is probably not as bad as being waterboarded. But the first thirty minutes of this movie could be considered a form of torture.
All that said, there are some good things about Yoga Hosers. We get to see a final cameo by the late Stan Lee. Also, the movie stars Depp’s daughter Lily-Rose Depp. It’s not everyday I get to see one of my all-time favorite actors in a film alongside his real-life daughter. It’s also not every day I get to see a sausage Nazi crawl up someone’s bum-bum. As a side note, because the film is set in a convenience store, there are plenty of shots of toilet paper and paper towels. Remember when those essentials were easy to find on convenience store shelves? I sure hope those days return soon. Until then, we can pass the days by watching crappy B movies.
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